Randy Orton?

“Zombie” Randy Orton

It’s official, Zombiemania is here, and it begins with Randy Orton.

 The Zombie Strikes!

Like any good zombie, Orton was quick to begin spreading the Wrestlezombie ™ virus to other unfortunate members of the locker room, starting with his most formidable opponent, Daniel Bryan. And doing so was a smart move by Zombie Orton, or Zorton™. He knew that by infecting Daniel Bryan, that Bryan would then go on to infect his fiancee, Brie Bella, and if you infect one Bella, you infect all the Bellas. And with the Bellas now infected, it won’t be long until the rest of the Total Divas have been zombied (or even more so, Eva Marie), which will then lead to Zortan having control over a whole Wrestlezombiediva™ army, with Zombie Bryan by his side. And thus, the Wrestlezombiemania™ era begins.

Zombie Revenge!

But before all that, Randy Ortan can enjoy being the first ever (sorry Jericho, WWE history hates you) Unified WWE World Undisputed Heavyweight Champion Of The World. I think that’s the name they decided on for the title. Close enough.

Yay Belts!

But winning the title at TLC is not the reason Orton has earned his place in the Best Wrestler Ever (This Week) column, he earned his place by not boring me to death for the first time in ever. Seriously, I have never, ever been a Randy Orton fan. I don’t think he’s terrible, in fact he’s quite good at what he does. I’ve just never had an interest in his character, or his skin coloured t-shirts, or any of his matches. His wrestling, when with the right partner, can be exciting and enjoyable to watch, but for the most part he just looks uninspired and content to go through the motions. Just get in, get out and go home without separating any shoulders.

Fall like you mean it!

Fortunately for him, and for us, along came Daniel Bryan, who has unlocked Orton’s wrestling spirit, and given some life to what was once a hollow shell of a wrestler. Bryan, who can bring out the best in just about any opponent he faces, has brought something exciting out of Orton, something that I honestly didn’t believe he had in him. Usually when Orton picks up a mic and begins his monotone over explanation of why blah blah blah vipers blah blah RKO, I instantly zone out and start thinking about something else, like where Big E Langston gets those amazing button up shirts, or whether Mark Henry will be able to save Christmas this year (Spoilers! He did. Christmas is back on!), but now when Orton speaks he does so with purpose, with emotion, with the feels. Instead of acting like an overly tanned snake man, Orton’s character has begun to evolve into, well, a character. He has become like this insecure, little boy, trying his darndest to keep the Authority in his corner. He’s begun to realize that he’s not as in control of his destiny as he once believed himself to be, and that he’s not capable of keeping his title around his waist if the Authority isn’t behind him.

This leads us to last night’s match on Raw against Daniel Bryan. It was AWESOME! Maybe their best match together yet. In the end, after being outwrestled and outmatched  by Bryan, and with no sign of being bailed out by the Authority, Orton resorted to a cowardly (but clever) low blow to Bryan, which was sold beautifully by all three men in the ring, to get himself disqualified and keep his title for at least one more day.

My Goats!

And so, by taking all the bumps at TLC, by not being the most boring performer ever, and by getting kicked to near death by Daniel Bryan, Orton has earned the honor(?) of being The Best Wrestler Ever (This Week).

Now, enjoy watching Bryan kick, dive, and bite Orton into the New Year. Starting after this:

OK starting now:



Thanks to wrestling-giffer.tumblr.com for the GIFS!

Oi! go read TMATP why don’t you!