by Zach Dominello
Do you remember that time not too long ago when Daniel Bryan defeated Triple H at WrestleMania 30? A win that allowed him to compete in the main event match on the same night for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship with Blue/Boo/Batista and Randy Orton. Do you remember how he won that match and became the WWE World Heavyweight Champion of the World? And how it was one of the most glorious moments in WWE history? Do you remember that?
I do. And I also remember the atrocious program that followed. After reaching the highest of heights and having all the momentum of the world behind him, Daniel Bryan began a program with Kane. But not just any Kane, with DEMON KANE! And it sucked!!! It was goofy as hell, and it involved the worst acting ever seen on live TV – Brie Bella, “NOOOOOOOOOOOooooo!” And it was exactly what we did’t want to see Daniel Bryan do after WrestleMania. We wanted Daniel Bryan to be the face of the company, to have epic matches for the championship against worthy opponents. Maybe an up and coming Shield member. Maybe a rematch with CEO Triple H. Instead we got Daniel Bryan and Brie Bryanella? Bellaryan? fleeing Monday Night RAW from Halloween’s Michael Myers. Oh, I mean “Demon” Kane.
Yes, after losing his WrestleMania match in what felt like seconds, Kane was rewarded by being put into a program with the new WWE Champion. But not as the failure Corporate Kane, as the (once again) remasked “Demon” Kane.
But this was no ordinary “Demon” Kane, this Kane was different. With the mask came a new power, a new ability. “Demon” Kane had suddenly become a B-Grade Horror Movie Monster, and he turned Monday Night RAW into a B-Grade 1980s horror movie. Kane would try and abduct the damsel in distress Brie Bella by bursting through the ring mat and attempting to drag Brie down with him to the pits of hell. Or the place where Hornswoggle lives, which might also be the pits of hell. Kane could suddenly appear in places in the blink of an eye, like the backseat of Daniel Bryan’s rental car. Horror movie Kane was on a rampage. His goal was to destroy the newly crowned WWE champion by any means necessary, which mostly meant becoming Michael Myers, minus the stabbing.
It was awful. It was goofy. It made Daniel Bryan look like the biggest geek ever to step into the ring. It made Brie Bella try to act – try and fail. It killed Daniel Bryan’s momentum coming out of WrestleMania – so much so that when Daniel Bryan had to pull out of the storyline due to injury, folks were actually happy the feud was over. Daniel Bryan getting injured was actually a relief. Finally the nightmare program with Kane was over. Then of course, we learned about the severity of the injury and that Daniel Bryan would require surgery. Bryan was stripped of the title and is now out indefinitely. He was last seen hanging out on the WWE Pre-Show making dick jokes.
The thing is, as awful as it was, I absolutely loved Horror Movie Kane. Now before you crucify my, let me explain. I hated the program between Daniel Bryan and Horror Movie Kane. After WrestleMania, I would have preferred Daniel Bryan feud with anybody but Kane. Heck, even a 3MB/Daniel Bryan feud would have at least been something new. A feud with Kane in 2014 is beyond stale. What I loved was the idea of Horror Movie Kane. A character with the powers of great B-movie monsters and murderers like Jason, Michael Myers, and the multiple killers from the Scream franchise. Kane could suddenly appear out of nowhere. He could be run down by a car and appear dead, only to rise suddenly and commence killing, or in his case open palm striking.
Now take this Horror Movie Kane out of the title picture, out of the main event, and out of a program with the most over guy in the company, and then you’re onto something. RAW is 3 hours long. I don’t mind it becoming a goofy horror movie for 5 or 10 minutes each week. Just so long as it’s not the main storyline of the show.
Now here’s my pitch. Very recently, a number of guys were future endeavoured from the WWE. Some were guys we saw regularly on TV like Drew McIntyre. Some were guys who we had totally forgotten even worked for the WWE until they were let go (JTG).
Why not, instead of the unceremonious future endeavouring, you make these wrestlers’ impending departures a segment on TV? (Well actually, there are quite a few reasons so don’t answer that.) This is the perfect situation for Horror Movie Kane. Say a guy like Zack Ryder is on his way out. His contract is up or WWE are just continuing to cut costs. Either way, Ryder only has a few weeks left with the company. He is the perfect victim for Horror Movie Kane. Kane could slowly begin to focus on Ryder. Starting with a few little scares here and there. Maybe appearing in some mirrors. Maybe a bit of appearing and disappearing as the lights go out and come back on. This escalates into more physical confrontations. Kane begins to get violent. The stakes are getting higher and higher. Ryder’s life has soon become a living hell. Everywhere he looks he sees Kane. He’s never safe. Danger’s around every corner. Then the climax. Kane finally gets his victim. Ryder is no more. Literally. He’s dead!
Now with WWE being PG and all, they’d have to get creative here. No stabbing. No decapitations. No blood. No gore. Cars suddenly exploding? Sure, we’ve seen that before. Sets falling down and crushing people to death? No problem. Kane pulling people into his creepy dungeon of…whatever he does in there? It wouldn’t be the first time. Kane rising up from under the ring and pulling his victim down into whatever is under there? Absolutely! Only now, the person would never be seen again. They’d be gone. For good. Never to be seen in the WWE again (Or for a long time anyway). But instead of just becoming a name on a list of guys who used to work for WWE and who are moved to the Alumni section of WWE.com, Ryder is moved to the all new Missing Persons section of WWE.com. Which is basically the same thing, just instead of getting fired, you were “murdered” by a psycho killer.
Would you rather leave the company having not been on TV for months, or would prefer to go out in a blaze of horror movie glory? It’s not like a character has never returned from the dead in a movie or TV show. That’s why you’re moved to the Missing Person section of WWE.com. There’s always a chance you’ll make it back for the sequel.