NXTea Time with Koala Mask: Swellingly!


First, the usual housekeeping before I pour you some sweet NXTea.

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-It’s teetotalling time!

NXTea Time February 25, 2015

This week Hideo Itami faces MIND BLANK, problems arise between a tag team we hardly ever see, Bayley takes on Headbanger Becky, Zayn rides in fast cars without coffee in Abu Dhabi, and in the main event, Finn Balor takes the the returning The Brian Kendrick. Also, Kevin Owens makes his announcing debut. It goes swell! Wait, is there an adverb of swell? Swellingly? It went swellingly! That’s not right. Anyway, who wants some tea?

Hideo Itami vs. MIND BLANK

I know his name when I watch him, but as soon as the show is over and I sit down to write this, his name completely escapes me. OK, I went and looked it up. It’s Bull Dempsey. younger, rarely talked about half brother of actor and race car driver Patrick Dempsey.
The match was fine. Dempsey got some offense in early, including his jumping hug attack. Itami came back with his KENTA like series of strikes, and finished Dempsey off with his running one legged dropkick which needs a more concise name.

Rating: Peach Tea

After the match, while Itami was pointing up at something for what felt like forever at the top of the ramp, Tyler Breeze sneakily superkicked him. With his fluffy selfie stick, he tried to take a selfie with himself and Itami’s carcass in the background. Just as he finally gets the right angle, Itami is up and chases Breeze to the ring. Itami gets a few shots in before Breeze bails. I enjoyed this. Breeze got the jump on Itami, but was foiled by his own narcissism, and Itami saved face by getting some shots in. Both guys came off looking good. A rarity in WWE.

After commercial, we get a THE BRIAN KENDRICK promo. Never been a big Kendrick fan. I don’t not like him. I kind of enjoy his mannerisms and style, I guess, but his ring work has never done it for me. Still, it’s a nice blast from the past. He seems like a cool guy. Last time I was him was at a New Japan house show in Gifu a couple of years back. I was surprised to see him then, and i’m surprised to see him now.

Lucha Dragons vs. Ty Dillinger and Jason Jordan

As the – insert collective name for Dillinger and Jordan here – make their entrance, Solomon Crowe hacks the…titantron? He says he’s on a mission to become NXT champion. How novel. As the hack ends, we get some SMPTE colour bars and a really quick silhouette of a crow. A crow, eh? That’s interesting. Very interesting. In fact, I think that means it’s time for…

Tales from the Tea Cup

Solomon Crowe. Crow. Sting. Sting likes crows. Solomon Crowe and Sting. Is it a coincidence they are both in the WWE right now, at the same time? Probably. But is there a connection? No. And what is it? Nothing. But maybe something. Maybe this:

Before, Solomon Crowe is a super titantron hacking hacker, he was Solly Borden, son of Sting. Solly was a normal child. He had friends, he played Nintendo, and he loved watching his dad perform on WCW Nitro every week. One day, WCW dies by the hands of WWE. Little Solly is devastated, and implores his daddy to go beat up those evil WWE baddies for killing WCW. But Sting does nothing. He goes down with the ship. This is a turning point in Solly’s life. He discovers hair products and leather jackets, he steals a copy of “Hacking for Dummies” from the local library. The book also gives him pretty neat wrestling skills, which Solomon uses to get himself hired by WWE. But why would he join the company he hates? REVENGEANCE! Solomon is going to take the company down from the inside, using Stretch Mufflers and titantron hacking. Sting, a devout Christian, catches wind of his little boy’s plan. He’s against REVENGEANCE, so to save his son’s soul, he decides to finally step into a WWE ring, so that he can take the company down himself, or at least the man who “singlehandedly destroyed WCW,” Triple H, and in doing so, maybe win back little Solly’s respect.

Also, there was a match. Here’s the skinny: Jordan wants to tag in. Dillinger tells Jordan to relax. Jordan bails. Kalisto wins with Salida del Sol. One of the announcers, probably Alex Riley, says “It might as well have been two on one down the stretch.” Well, I would say it was two on one down down the stretch.

Rating: Weight To Go! Pu-erh Tea