Randy Orton?

“Zombie” Randy Orton

It’s official, Zombiemania is here, and it begins with Randy Orton.

 The Zombie Strikes!

Like any good zombie, Orton was quick to begin spreading the Wrestlezombie ™ virus to other unfortunate members of the locker room, starting with his most formidable opponent, Daniel Bryan. And doing so was a smart move by Zombie Orton, or Zorton™. He knew that by infecting Daniel Bryan, that Bryan would then go on to infect his fiancee, Brie Bella, and if you infect one Bella, you infect all the Bellas. And with the Bellas now infected, it won’t be long until the rest of the Total Divas have been zombied (or even more so, Eva Marie), which will then lead to Zortan having control over a whole Wrestlezombiediva™ army, with Zombie Bryan by his side. And thus, the Wrestlezombiemania™ era begins.

Zombie Revenge!

But before all that, Randy Ortan can enjoy being the first ever (sorry Jericho, WWE history hates you) Unified WWE World Undisputed Heavyweight Champion Of The World. I think that’s the name they decided on for the title. Close enough.

Yay Belts!

But winning the title at TLC is not the reason Orton has earned his place in the Best Wrestler Ever (This Week) column, he earned his place by not boring me to death for the first time in ever. Seriously, I have never, ever been a Randy Orton fan. I don’t think he’s terrible, in fact he’s quite good at what he does. I’ve just never had an interest in his character, or his skin coloured t-shirts, or any of his matches. His wrestling, when with the right partner, can be exciting and enjoyable to watch, but for the most part he just looks uninspired and content to go through the motions. Just get in, get out and go home without separating any shoulders.

Fall like you mean it!

Fortunately for him, and for us, along came Daniel Bryan, who has unlocked Orton’s wrestling spirit, and given some life to what was once a hollow shell of a wrestler. Bryan, who can bring out the best in just about any opponent he faces, has brought something exciting out of Orton, something that I honestly didn’t believe he had in him. Usually when Orton picks up a mic and begins his monotone over explanation of why blah blah blah vipers blah blah RKO, I instantly zone out and start thinking about something else, like where Big E Langston gets those amazing button up shirts, or whether Mark Henry will be able to save Christmas this year (Spoilers! He did. Christmas is back on!), but now when Orton speaks he does so with purpose, with emotion, with the feels. Instead of acting like an overly tanned snake man, Orton’s character has begun to evolve into, well, a character. He has become like this insecure, little boy, trying his darndest to keep the Authority in his corner. He’s begun to realize that he’s not as in control of his destiny as he once believed himself to be, and that he’s not capable of keeping his title around his waist if the Authority isn’t behind him.

This leads us to last night’s match on Raw against Daniel Bryan. It was AWESOME! Maybe their best match together yet. In the end, after being outwrestled and outmatched  by Bryan, and with no sign of being bailed out by the Authority, Orton resorted to a cowardly (but clever) low blow to Bryan, which was sold beautifully by all three men in the ring, to get himself disqualified and keep his title for at least one more day.

My Goats!

And so, by taking all the bumps at TLC, by not being the most boring performer ever, and by getting kicked to near death by Daniel Bryan, Orton has earned the honor(?) of being The Best Wrestler Ever (This Week).

Now, enjoy watching Bryan kick, dive, and bite Orton into the New Year. Starting after this:

OK starting now:

 

 

Thanks to wrestling-giffer.tumblr.com for the GIFS!

Oi! go read TMATP why don’t you!

The Dazzler And Ninja Regal

The Dazzler And Ninja Regal

 

The Dazzler

  • From: Ninjadeen, Washington
  • Signature Move: Board Break
  • Beard: Yes
  • Weakness: Beard Trimmer

Ninja Regal

  • From: Ninjapool, England
  • Signature Move: Board Retrieval
  • Beard: No
  • Weakness: Nipple

 

 

 

As always, thanks to Tumblr for the GIFS. Click ’em! And don’t forget, read comics!

Shinsuke Nakamura: He Will Knee Your Knees Off!

Best Wrestler Ever (This Week): Shinsuke Nakamura

 


He will also kick your head off, like he did here to Hirooki Goto. Either way.

 

Shinsuke Nakamura is a Japanese professional wrestler, currently working in New Japan Pro Wrestling. He is the current two-time IWGP Intercontinental Champion and former three-time IWGP Heavyweight Champion. And many other champions. Basically the dude is a champion.

 

Why He’s The Best Wrestler Ever (This Week)

 

That’s why!

 

I was lucky enough to see him perform live at a house show in Gifu, Japan, just a few weeks back. While the show itself was nothing to phone home about, just pretty standard house show stuff, but fun nonetheless, there was one standout, Shinsuke Nakamura. Out of all the great wrestlers who performed that night, Nakamura really stood out. His strange mannerisms and unique wrestling style set him apart from many wrestlers. He has a certain charisma which a lot of wrestlers are missing.
His performance was the most memorable of the night for me. And he instantly became my new favourite wrestler.

 

Best Move: Boma Ye (Basically he knees his usually kneeling opponent’s face off)

 

 

Other Best Move: Weird Shaky Foot Choke In The Corner

I don’t know the name of the move but I love it when he chokes his opponent in the corner with his foot and does a crazy body gyration thing. It’s weird and pointless and I love it.
Somebody gif that, please! So…ah…here’s this instead:

 


Sometimes it doesn’t work out so well.

 

Best Match/Rivalry: Nakamura vs. Tanahashi

 

 

There’s a plethora to choose from. But probably his IWGP Heavyweight Title match against Tanahashi where he busted out a Samoan Driver off the top rope. Pretty good!

 

Best Beef Bowl Commercial:

 

What the what?

As always, thanks to Tumblr for the GIFS. Click ’em! And don’t forget, read comics!

Koala Mask’s Weekly Wrestle Awards

Survivor Series and the following Monday Night Raw may not have been too great overall. There were, however, plenty of great, award winning  moments to be had. And here they are:

 

Wrestler Of The Week: Roman Reigns

Between Survivor Series and Monday Night Raw, Reigns has speared somewhere between  2000 to 3000 people. This guy may have the best spear in wrestling at the moment. It seriously puts the rest to shame. Other spear users may as well ditch the move from now on. It’s not worth doing anymore unless it’s done by Reigns. Who else is currently utilizing the spear these days? Big Show, Christian (when he’s on TV). Kaitlyn gets a pass because her spear is pretty tops too. And Roman going around spearing Divas is probably a no no. Maybe. No, definitely.

 

 

Tantrum Of The Week: by Summer Rae

Summer Rae has been channeling a bit of WCW era Chris Jericho, I think. Very nicely done. I’m a sucker for a good grown up tantrum.

 

Hug Of The Week: Big E Langston and Mark Henry

So that’s how grown up manly male men are supposed to hug. Good to know. I was way off.

 

Unluckiest Barricade Of The Week: This One

It didn’t stand a chance. Also bonus Best Butt Jiggle Of The Week to Bray Wyatt.

 

Inverted Atomic Drop Of The Week: Goldust

Bonus best to Seth Rollins for his selling of said Atomic Drop.

 

Powerbomb Of The Week: Luke Harper

Still gets a best despite the shaky setting up.

Boy I hope this Daniel Bryan kidnapping bit goes somewhere. If Daniel returns from this abduction and clothelines The Wyatt Family out of the ring and that is that, I will be so mad. Like really, really mad.

 

Most Improved All Of A Sudden Wrestler  Of The Week: Erick Rowan

 

Worst Punt Kick (And Match And Everything) Of The Week: Randy Orton and Big Show

Missed it by that much. Additional best to me for making a Get Smart reference. That was Get Smart, wasn’t it?

These two. Good grief! Lets never have another match between these two guys. Oh wait, they had another match the following night on Raw. Okay starting from now, then.

 

OK Maybe I Was A Bit Harsh Earlier Award For Ring Exiting Of The Week: Randy Orton

 

 

Thanks to tumblr, specifically wrasslormonkey.tumblr.com and wrestling-giffer.tumblr.com for the great GIFS.

Hey! Have you read self proclaimed best webcomic about a platypus and a cafe manager? Go to here and you can!

WWE Survivor Series 2013 – A Visual Recap

WWE Survivor Series 2013 – A Visual Recap

WWE Survivor Series 2013 

 

Pre-show Match: The Miz defeated Kofi Kingston.

 

Survivor Series Elimination Match: The Shield and The Real Americans defeated The Usos, Goldust, Cody Rhodes and Rey Mysterio. Roman Reigns was the sole survivor for his team, doing what I requested in the process. Spearing everything. Roman eliminated four out of the five opponents.

Rey Mysterio’s return: Nov 2013 – Nov 2013

I don’t know…

…what is happening?

 

Intercontinental Championship Match: Big E Langston (c) defeated Curtis Axel.

Everyone else was dancing. Why not Big E also?

 

Survivor Series Elimination Match: The Cast Of Total Divas defeated The Regular Divas.

So much dancing tonight. I don’t understand.

 

Rick Ross Mark Henry defeated Ryback.

 

World Heavyweight Championship Match: John Cena (c) defeated Alberto Del Rio.

Next.

 

CM Punk and Daniel Bryan defeated The Wyatt Family.

I was a little surprised by this result. Thought the Wyatts would go over in this one. Maybe next time.

 

WWE Championship Match: Randy Orton (c) defeated Big Show.

 

Yep. This match happened.

 

Don’t tell me you haven’t started reading The Manager And The Platypus, yet. Do not tell me that!
Thanks to tumblr for your lovely GIFS and JPEGS.