Grindhouse Wrestling 3.3 “The Luchas Strike Back” featuring: STAR WARS VS. LUCHADORS! BOBA FETT DANCE PERFORMANCE! WOMBATS! LIONS! WOLVERINES! MANATEES! AND MORE!
Welcome to my report of UPW’s Paragon event from the Beenleigh Tavern on April 26th. ! If you missed the show, well, what the heck is wrong with you why didn’t you come and see some great wrestling action!? Also, never fear! There’s another show coming up on June 28th.
Without further ado, SEVEN! Sorry sorry, I’ve still got that number stuck in my head from the show. You’ll understand if you keep reading.
UPW Paragon report
Before the first match, D-Volt and the Culture Kings were called out to wish one lucky fan Happy Birthday. The Culture Kings begrudgingly obliged and presented the girl with some gifts and lead the crowd in singing Happy Birthday.
In classic heel fashion, D-Volt gave the girl a kiss, but wiped his mouth clean afterwards. Fantastic!
Match 1: Renegade Vs Slammin Sam Vs Jordan James (The Winner earns a spot in the Paragon Gauntlet Match, later in the Show)
Before the match began, Mystery came out and aired his frustrations with the company. Mystery told the crowd that if he lost the Gauntlet match later in the show, he’d quit UPW and wrestling all together. In a fairly ominous gesture, he then said goodbye to the fans just in case it was the last time they’d see him.
Jordan James also aired some of his frustrations before the match began. Lot’s of frustrated UPW wrestlers it seems.
Renegade came out, and in a funny spot checked the ref for illegal objects. He didn’t find any.
The match finally got underway and was good opening bout. Lot’s of fast paced, springboard manoeuvres by Renegade. Renegade was looking strong, until the begrudged Jordan James tied him up with zip ties. James then grabbed a chair from outside the ring and delivered thunderous chair shots to the heads of Slammin’ Sam and Renegade respectively.
James followed up by walking out of the match, which was called a No Contest.
It was later announced that Jordan James would be entered in the 10-Man Gauntlet match, because of… reasons? I guess technically he did come out of his match looking the strongest, mostly thanks to the steel chair.
Match 2: Hockley Clan with Jethro vs. the Culture Kings (D-Volt & Lucas Gold) with Catherine Mynx
D-Volt, who is pretty great on the mic, cut a pre-match promo.
D-Volt & Lucas Gold got a pretty mixed reaction from the crowd. The Hockley Clan on the other hand got the biggest pop of the night. The tag team champs are easily the crowd favourites. You wouldn’t tell just by looking at them, but they can put on a good performance in the ring and really get the crowd behind them.
Good title match with lots of near-falls. Nothing fancy, just the tried and true tag team basics. D-Volt and Lucas Gold controlled the majority of the match, keeping the smaller of the Hockleys (Dave) away from his corner and unable to make the tag. Eventually, the hot tag was made and the bigger of the Hockleys cleared house. The bigger Hockley (Tom) then decided to put on a strangely timed rest hold which cooled down the hot tag a bit. The action quickly picked up again when. After some unfortunate miscommunication between the Culture Kings, the Hockleys, hit a double team DDT to retain the titles.
After the match, Jethro, with his ‘Poida’ mullet, issued an open challenge for the tag team titles.
Match 3: Fatal Four-Way – Brian Angels vs. Cyprien vs. Kobra Jones vs. Xander Phoenix
Not sure if this match was a No DQ, but guessing by the blatant low blows and submissions in the ropes, I’d say it might have been.
Good comedy by Kobra Jones. Jone’s is like a bigger, scarier, but equally funny Santino Marella.
In a funny spot, well not funny for Kobra, Jone’s was the repent of not one, but THREE “accidental” shots to the nether regions in the corner. Poor nether regions.
Really nice double powerbomb/superplex from the corner delivered by Brian Angels on all men.
Angles was denied the win when Xander Phoenix hit a blatant low blow. The match ended when two men tapped simultaneously; Angels to a Sharpshooter by Phoenix; and Cyprien to a submission in the ropes by Kobra. As a result of the double tap, Phoenix and Kobra were declared joint winners. Joint winners? I didn’t even know that was possible.
It was great to see a few of the performers out and about, chatting with the fans at ringside during the intermission.
Match 4: Paragon 1—Man Gauntlet Match featuring Mystery (who will quit if he loses), Kyote, Cyprien, Lynx Lewis Jr, D-Volt, Xander Phoenix, Kobra jones, Lucas Gold, Rip Rielly and Jordan James (for reasons)
(I believe the winner receives a future title shot)
The match starts with two competitors. When one man is defeated, a new competitor comes out until one man remains.
Mystery and Lucas Gold opened the match. Mystery came out firing on all cylinders, hitting a huge Daniel Bryan-esque top rope missile drop kick, followed up with a Daniel Bryan kip up and all. Mystery went to the well one too many times, and was countered by Gold with a devastating Roman Reigns-esque Superman punch on the way down from the top rope. Gold followed up with a lovely running powerbomb, reminiscent of an early D-Lo Brown.
Mystery came back and hit a beautiful 450 splash for the first elimination.
Out next, Lynx Lewis Jr.
Before tying up, Lynx got on the mic and explained the history he and Mystery have, and that he didn’t want to have to end Mystery’s career. But he still would! Lynx and Mystery hugged it out, and then proceeded to put on what was arguably the best performance of the show.
Lynx and Mystery have great chemistry together. Both men hit huge, high flying spot after spot. Really good, fast paced lucha style action. Spot of the night goes to Lynx Jr’s diving DDT on the outside THROUGH the turnbuckle. El Generico would be proud.
After a number of countered moves and near falls by both men, Lynx had Mystery dazed and set up for the final blow, but couldn’t pull the trigger on his long time rival. Instead, Lynx walked out on the match and got himself counted out, allowing Mystery to continue battling on. Really great moment between Lynx and Mystery.
Out next, Jordan James.
James wasted no time in taking advantage of an exhausted Mystery, ramming Mystery’s head into the ring post and getting the quick pin. Mystery is eliminated, and gone from UPW.
Out next, D-Volt.
Before D-Volt had time to even get in the ring, Renegade, who was not a part of the match, came out and destroyed Jordan James with a Sick kick. Roderick Strong too, would be proud.
Without wasting any time, D-Volt pinned James for the next elimination.
Out next, Cyprien.
D-Volt made short work of Cyprien, who was still battered from his earlier match, with a Big Ending. Big E also would be proud. I’m starting to see a pattern develop here.
Out next, Rip Rielly.
Rip Rielly is…very big! But all I can think of is Hulk Hogan as ‘Rip’ from No Holds Barred. Appearance wise, the Rip doesn’t have much in common with the Hulkster version. Physically however, both are pretty darn strong.
Rip overpowered D-Volt, who put up a valiant effort. Rip defeated D-Volt with a huge lariat. Stan Hansen would…Ok enough of that.
Out next, Xander Phoenix.
Rip defeated Phoenix with ‘monstrous’ Black Hole Slam.
Out next, Kobra Jones.
Kobra entered the ring like he did earlier, with a not so smooth front hand spring off the turnbuckle. Unfortunately for him, he spurn right into a massive (pun absolutely intended. Both wrestlers have big bellies) belly to belly suplex by Rip.
Kobra put up a good fight, but after a malfunction with his mask, Rip delivered a venomous reverse piledriver. Kobra is eliminated.
Out next, Kyote.
And I thought Rip was a big guy. Kyote is HUGE.
Great big man action between Rip and Kyote. Both men are very quick and agile for their size.
Rip delivered a nice German suplex on Kyote, and even got the big man up into a World’s Strongest Slam.
Kyote, however, used a low blow to get the advantage over Rip, and followed it up with crippling punt kick to the head.
Kyote got the pin to become the Paragon Gauntlet Winner.
Bad luck to Rip, who was on roll, but couldn’t finish off Kyote in the end.
Kyote got on the mic to talk about how great his is. Jake Nova came out and slapped Kyote’s face off. Nova wanted to fight, but Kyote said another night.
Nova then delivered a good face promo. Though he did mention that Kyote had a vagina, which I’m sure the parents in the crowd were happy about.
His opponent, Melbourne’s Benny Factor came out and tore into the fans, calling them rednecks and bogans. Really good mic work by both guys.
Match 5: Jake Nova vs. Benny Factor
Benny got in a cheap head shot with the mic to kick off the match. Really good heel work throughout the match by Benny, who reminds me of a young Chris Jericho, which is a good thing.
Great back and forth between Nova and Benny, both guys were pretty evenly matched. The action spilled to the outside with both guy fighting their way though and around the crowd.
Back in the ring, Benny his a stunning DDT on Nova for a near-fall. Nova came back and delivered the classic 10-Punches in the corner; this time however, he only delivered 7 punches, as was requested by the crowd, who have an odd obsession with the number ‘7’.
Benny came back with a low blow followed up with a big running (well, more like walking) power bomb for a other near-fall. Very hurtful (and hilarious) “You’re not from here” chants from the crowd directed at Benny Factor.
In what is possible the best ref distraction I’ve ever seen, Benny distracted the ref by shouting to the ref, “Look at that guy’s beard,” and pointing to a guy in the crowd. Brilliant!
Nova missed a Jeff hardy Swanton from the top, but quickly recovered to get a roll up on Benny for the pin.
Great work by both guys.
Benny’s post-match breakdown in the ring was spectacular. I love to see a grown wrestler cry.
Main Event: Sara J vs. Savannah Summers (c) vs. Storm for the RCW Women’s title.
Summers, Storm, sounds like the X-Men are in town.
Big pop for Storm when she came out, not so big pop for the champ, Savannah Summers. Sara J got a big, “She’s a heel” chant from the crowd.
Great action and main event by all three competitors. Storm his a very nice suicida to the outside. Summers delivered a nice snap duplex, quickly followed with a guillotine on Storm. Storm nearly took Sara J’s head off with a running boot.
Storm looked like she was a bout to make Sara J tap with an impressive looking submission, but Summers quickly took advantage of Storm’s positioning and pinned Storm just as Sara J tapped. The ref saw the pin and declared Summers the winner and still RCW Women’s champion. .
Bad luck to Storm, but she was comforted by a heartfelt “We still love you” chant from the crowd.
Great match to finish off the show.
Best Chants of the Night
- “You’re not from here!”
- “She’s/He’s a heel!” (a bit too obvious, that one)
- “We still love you!”
Best Call by a Wrestler during a Match
- Benny Factor distracting the ref: “Look at that guy’s beard!”
- Kyote Self-Bragging: “I even had a try out with the WWE!” Congratulations, Kyote. “I had a successful try out” might have sounded better.
The next UPW event is Tempest, on June 28th at the Beenleigh Tavern.
Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for some upcoming interviews with some of the stars of UPW.
Photos: Ian Spruce